2010… Fuck! (Annual Questionaire)

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

Attempted Suicide (well, that’s what it’s TECHNICALLY called, though it was not my intention), cut myself more than just once or twice in one year, burnt myself with boiling water, stopped drinking voluntarily, smoked 40+ cigarettes in 24 hrs, played Frisbee, worked in the ‘corporate world’ (learnt a very good lesson there), wrote a few short stories, moved out of the house, Deactivated my FB profile for good, cried a lot in one year.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Don’t believe in that crap.! I don’t need a ‘New Year’ to change myself. I’ll change as and when i feel the need for it.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

hmm… nope… as to the ‘best’ of my knowledge…

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, not this year… *phew…

5. What countries did you visit?

None! Wanted to be in this one, for once… No travelling for sometime…

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

hmm… a good memory, peace of mind, decisiveness, maybe come out of my “Dark Fortress,” to be a better servant of The One…

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

hmm… with the state of my memory this year it’s hard to say. But let’s see…

17th (I think) January – Shaved my head for what would be the longest I had shaved (was clean shaven for 8 months since)

February 26th – went out with a person (A Girl) I thought would be the one.

March 11, 12, 13 – the BIG Match!!! 3 days of fun, beer, and madness!

21st March – deactivated my FB account. Went into isolation. Severed ties with a lot of friends/relatives.

Last week of March – the headaches got worse. (would find out later on that they are actually Migraines)

April (or was it May…?) – Started Freelance writing. Diagnosed with Migraines.

July – The relationship was ‘unofficially’ over. Started working in the ‘corporate world’ (a verrrryyyy baaaddd idea for a person such as I). Memory storage and recollection went on a long ‘vacation’, so did Thought processes…

August – Played frisbee for the first time in my life. The relationship was ‘officially’ terminated. memory and thought took a nose dive. So did the migraines. Found a few guys at work ‘interesting’…

September – ‘Forgot’ my ex’s B’day, started ‘forgetting’ a lot of things at that point (didn’t realize it at that point).

October – (on the 2nd I think) ‘Attempted Suicide’ and felt something totally unexpected. No… I didn’t ‘attempt’ it due to a failed relationship, my shit goes waaaayyyyy back… stopped blogging.
Found a Friend where I least expected one . Hosted a dinner (I cooked ). Dropped the laptop 2 floors down, and the screen was smashed.

30th – Resigned from the ‘corporate world’ for good! Took the few friends I kept, out for dinner.

November – Found a ‘partner-in-crime’ to go to the beach! Started Drinking :/… Had a Joint after 2 years, nothing ‘happened’!! @!^*# Found myself in the restroom one day, and didn’t know how and why i was there (more of these related stuff to occur later on). Got a desktop monitor for the laptop, and the VGA card went bust after a few weeks. reactivated FB to get my poems, and pics…

December - The monitor went bust! worst ever performance at any exam till now! (it was an open book exam for crying out loud!)

23rd – Reunited with a very good friend after 3 years!

25th – Deactivated FB for good! not going back there again!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I came to terms with who (what) I am = accepted myself and stopped fighting my condition(s). Fighting a multitude of psych conditions for the better half of my life is a big thing, but what I didn’t realize is that, to be able to be at peace about what you are is the biggest achievement you can attain. Learnt this at the time I ‘attempted’ said act. Now, I’m finally, seriously, contemplating parting with darkness, my friend all these years. Even now, it’s not easy. Letting go of what you were for the lucid parts of your life is VERY not easy, but acceptance is the first step to transformation.

9. What was your biggest failure?

This year?… the same as all these years.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

hmm… I’m not a very materialistic person, and am not attached to stuff I own. But, the best thing I ‘bought’ would be my acceptance, and the need for change. Yes, i ‘bought’ it for the price of letting go of what I am.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

All the friends who silently and stubbornly stuck by me throught theese years and, especially, this year, even when I tried to sever ties with them. I love you guys soooo much!!! thanks for the emails, calls, texts, and mid-night lectures… Don’t get any bright ideas for the future okay?!! okay??! I’m still recovering from the ones you guys already gave me!

14. Where did most of your money go?

…………………………………… looking up and whistling sheepishly………………… okay, okay.. Cigarettes! Satisfied?!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

honestly, nothing. Was too busy trying to stay afloat.

16. What song will always remind of you 2010?

Stereo Love – Edward Maya and vika Jigulina.

Relax, take it easy – Mika

The Edge of this World – Misia

Aisling’s Song – Bruno Coulais

And I Miss You – Everything But the Girl

Madokara Mieru – Corner Stone Cues

Operation Sandstorm – Two Steps From Hell

Ocean Princess – Two Steps From Hell

Gorecki – Lamb

Burning In The Skies – Linkin Park

Baby – Serj Tankian (almost all his songs)

Armin van Buuren (almost all)

i tend to listen to a looot of random stuff, but not mainstream stuff (with a few exceptions)

17. Compared to this time last year, are:

a)happier or sadder?

b)thinner or fatter?

c) richer or poorer?

a) Sadder (at least I’m not denying it)

b) thinner (waaaayyyy thinner! lost 6″ across my waist in 4 months!)

c) Poorer (don’t mind, don’t care.)

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

hmm… I’d like to say nothing, but…. I’d have to say, smoking. Health is NOT the reason! Don’t regret any of the self-Mutilation stuff!

20. Did you fall in love in 2010?

Yes….. Unfortunately, for both of us…

21. What was your favourite TV program?

Stargate SG-1 (ah… how soon 10 seasons went by…)

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

nope, was the same person throught these years. But, I’m feeling ‘love’ (as close as it gets) for that person, for the first time in my life… let’s see, time will tell.

23. What was the best book you read?

Unfortunately, didn’t read as many books as i would have liked to. (hit a ‘reader’s block’).

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

TWO STEPS FROM HELL!!!!!!!!!! My god! where was I all these years?!!

25. What did you want and get?

I believe in the tao philosophy of ‘not wanting/desiring,’ and have a strong sense of Austerity…. Accept what comes one’s way: be it good or bad. that’s Life. Though, I shun material stuff as often as I can. but, on the topic of aspects that came my way (un-intentionally): Friend(s), a Lover (though temporarily), a headphone set, a ‘series’ of unfortunate evets.

26. What did you want and not get?

I never wanted shit (stuff), so I’m not disappointed of what I didn’t get. Yet, I’d have to say, a long term relationship.

27. What was your favourite film of this year?

These movies, most of them, are pretty old, but I watched them this year, for the first time: (Caution: watch them alone, for a memorable experience, and to avoid embarassing situations)

Hotaru no haka, Paper Man, Kaze no tani no Naushika, Mannen son elsket yngwe, Welcome, Howl, Extraordinary Measures, Upperdog, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Never laugfhed so much, and soo hard!), although there were more, these stood out the most…

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

uhh… nothing. I forbade anyone to even wish me, let alone celebrate the cursed day. oh wait! I wrote a poem! ‘commemorating’ my birth… Turned 23 on the 23rd…

29. How you would describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

don’t have one, except for Baggy, and comfy.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Pft!! don’t even get me started on that!

32. Who did you miss?

a few people…

33. Who was the best new person you met?

I’d rather now say… But, there are a few who I’d like to call, “Unsung Heroes”…

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

Shit! I had something in mind, but i ‘forgot’ it! :/… wait, let me get back to it…

Ah! got it! “It’s no use blowing a trumpet in a person’s ear. They need to feel the need to change of their own volition; preferably for themselves.”

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

“Tragic visions
Slowly stole my life
Tore away everything
Cheating me out of my time” – Godsmack

“That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spotlight, I’m
Losing my religion” – R.E.M.

“I hurt myself today,
to see if I still feel.
I focus on the pain,
the only thing that’s real.
The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting.
Try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything.
What have I become?
My sweetest friend.” – Johnny Cash

“If I should die this very moment
I wouldn’t fear
for I’ve never known completeness
like being here” – Lamb

2010…. fuck! Shittiest year so far! But, then again, what makes a period of time different from another? A year is actually a referential aspect. There is nothing significant about the start or end of a ‘year’. We’ve just created this concept so that technical (and other) matters are made easier. It’s just a day in the in time. There is no ‘good’ or ‘bad’ year, it’s just a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ TIME PERIOD  in life.

Suicide?…. Yeah, Why Not? (An evening at the beach, after so long!)

Those who are able to pass through the Veil of Silver Glass may find the full story here. As for the rest, enjoy the media posted here.

Galle Face Green Promenade

North View

South View I

South View

The Indian Ocean as seen from Galle Face Hotel

Looking 'Into the West' from the Pier

Into the West by Annie Lennox

Well, for those who are able to pass through the Veil, see you on the other side!

Well, this is it, I guess….

Listen to this track 1st. Soundtrack from The Two Towers. (Requiem for a Dream)

Well, this it I guess. The time has come for me to bid farewell. I’d like to leave you with two poems while I do. “Rider in Black” was one of the earliest poems (2007) i came up with. I had to re-activate one of my social networking sites to retrieve the poem, don’t worry, I deactivated it again. I would have deleted the profile for good, but, unfortunately, that option is not available. “A Blade and Some Blood” is a poem I wrote, sometime back, just for this occasion. So don’t get confused with the date.

A Big Thank You to all those who took the time to visit this blog, and to those who posted their opinions. Much appreciated. Finally, I have left a message, as clues, for those who are observant enough, in the following posts:

A Malady of the Mind; Can it? Can We? Can I?; From the Journal of the Masochist; Same Shit, Different Day! (S S, D D!); Tears of Blood; The Creature; The Full Moon; The Letdown; The Wrath of a Masochist; and the two poems in this post.

Rider In Black

Annals of the Witch-king

Mar 4, 2007 4:04 PM

In this world he has tread.
many seas has he sailed.
always in search of the one thing,
but what it is, he knows not.

His eyes, Black as coal.
Look into them, you will see no soul.
Deep, dark & empty is his heart,
hollow and cold as the night.

Himself, he has lost.
Walks the earth, now, like a ghost.
Fact, and fantasy, all are the same
his current state, knows not from whence it came.

Shadows he cannot cast,
‘coz ’tis what he’s become.
The world, means nothing to him.
Yet, ever observant is he, of what is to come.

A childhood he never had,
neither, a child he shall have.
His feelings are empty, except for sorrow
& that is all he shall ever know.

Wonder do ye, as to who ‘he’ is?
‘Tis I the Rider in Black,
The Witch-king, some call me,
Born alone, was I;
And die alone, shall I, in eternal darkness.

Lord of the Nazgûl

And now, without further ado, the world premier of “A Blade and Some Blood”

Soundtrack from The Two Towers (Gollum’s Song)

A Blade and Some Blood.   (9/13/10)

Annals of the Black Captain

A strange breeze blows
Darkness shrouds the land
Leaves turned yellow, on the ground
Rivers run dry, the earth is cracked

Birds gone south, animals hibernate
Forests are asleep, withered old
Children run home, babies cry in the cradles
“The eternal Sleep is here,” whisper everyone

Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop
A horse passes by, no other sound
Someone looks out the window
A figure clad in Black, rides the horse.

A white Staff, cracked in places,
A crystal, once gleaming with such ferocity,
Now sits dulled on it. The cloak, was
White once. Now, torn, muddied and bloodied.

An aura of hopelessness spreads. Voices of
Despair are heard from around. The rider passes
Glazed. A trail of black blood is left in its
Wake. The grass wilt and wither where it falls.

Boom!!! A huge door slams shut in the distance.
“It is done then. No point looking back.” thoughts flit.
Birds start chirping, the sun is shining. All traces of
Shadow are gone; so is the Figure clad in Black, which was once White.

The Doors are Shut.

I hope you listened to the tracks, they go well with the tone of the post.

Well then, God Bless & Adieu!

*Mithrandir signing off*

Requiem.

This poem is dedicated in memoriam of Dr. M.V. Ramasamy (1947 – 2010), on behalf of his son, Dr. A. Ramasamy.

My Father’s Light.

You, you were the best, a son could ask for.
A father, husband, friend you were to many.
Your touch could heal. And heal you did.
A figure respected, at home and away.

A rock could smash on your resolve. Staunch in
your Principles, you were; never flinching in adversity.
A pillar of strength, hope, and guidance you were
to me. The best a son could ask for.

Determination is your middle name, and now mine.
Courage was what you disseminated. I will miss
you Dad. None can stand in your brightness.
You were the best father, I could ask for!

We miss you! Our prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.

Youth Lost.

Today (evening) I realized how I used to be when I was upon the threshold of being 20.

Two colleagues and I went to Odel (a shopping mall, I think) so that Frank could withdraw some cash from a nearby ATM. It was 6.30pm and I was very eager to get to the house. As things turned out, these two managed to drag me along to Odel. Admittedly, I see no point in visiting that place, but these two, Bartowski specifically, were rather insistent on dragging me along. I guess they look at me as a kind of ‘older brother’ figure (Bartowski 18, Frank 20, me older) . Besides, they blackmailed me into it! So, I was like, “you two carry on, I’ll get a smoke and join you all,” and off went the two knuckle-heads

I, being the pessimist among all my friends, took my sweet time blowing smoke rings, knowing that these two won’t be out for some time. Finally, my ciggy ran out, and I had to go in. Bartowski had mentioned earlier that he wanted to purchase some undergarments , and instinct took me to that section. Lo and behold, I see the two dummies browsing said items. Bartowski, as usual, kept exclaiming, “Wow! That’s sexy man!” Don’t worry, he says “sexy” to almost anything, and is his signature nickname at office . Anyhoo, long story short, they bought nada, and thanks to my grumpy, “Come on, let’s go! I’m getting late” remarks. As we are about to exit the premises, Bartowski had a craving for hotdogs . So, I was like, “Okay, fine you two have something to eat, but hurry up. ‘I’m getting late.’”

They got me a burger, even when I was pissed off that they suggested to get me one. I was planning to have my only meal for the day at the house, but I was touched by their intentions. So, Bartowski, and Frank had a hotdog each, while I was gloomily having the burger. As we were finishing the food, some song started to play on the radio. It was a very catchy tune, and to my horror, these two started singing along! I have a strong feeling that there was something in the hotdogs that made them so Ô ô. To add further horror, they didn’t stop there. Apparently, the song was so catchy, it stuck in their minds even after. So, one would have noticed two boys dancing on the streets while walking, and a third guy trailing, silently, behind.

These two knuckle-heads were dancing and singing all the way back! Frank dancing in a very stupid manner, on purpose, while Bartowski sang on. Somewhere at that point I realized that, I used to be like them! Carefree, optimistic, and fun to be around. It seemed like a life time ago . I began to ponder the reason for my present condition of pessimism, bitterness, depression, and grouchy attitude. “What had happened for me to be like this? What changed?” I wondered; and this is what I got back in reply:

“Life is what happened! Your birth is what happened!”

PS. This is the penultimate post. The end is on the horizon, the completion of Phase II. The transition to a higher plane, of letting go and moving on. I have to admit, I have been waiting eagerly for the ultimate post, but I was hoping it would be in concurrence with the 1 year anniversary of this blog, but hey, “Tough Shit!”

Bloody Hell!

My mood’s label cloud (at this very moment):

Uncharacteristically elated,

Uncharacteristically energetic,

Uncharacteristically hopeful,

Uncharacteristically exuberant.

(*scratching head in confusion*)

“Don’t blame me for smoking, blame cancer for tasting SO GOOD!”

This I felt I need to share: I was home today in the evening (bunked classes, and took the day off from work), and had already bought a 20pack. I began to feel kinda faint; considering that I hadn’t had a normal lunch, it’s not a big surprise. Yet, I was in a dilemma now. According to my 1 meal (maximum 2) a day plan, I had already had that 1 meal (lunch). So, you see my dilemma here. Had the day’s provision of food, and made the mistake of not taking it in the sufficient quantity (a moderate amount). If it was in the night, I would have worn a tight belt around my waist and had a few cups of tea, but this was around 6pm! So, I did the only thing I could do, the only thing which could be called a compromise.

I decided to go to the grocery to buy a cup cake (gnana kathaa). So, I’m at the shop (one of the few shops where I get my cigs) and about to pay the bill for the gnana kathaa, when the cashier looks at me in a surprised way. He’s like, “What’s this? no cigarettes today?” I laugh and say, “Don’t worry, I already got a pack just an hour back.” Then he starts to laugh and says, “Ah! You had me shocked there for a moment…. You know, these are deadly for you, yeah?” to which I reply, “Well, walking on the streets is even worse! with tons and tons of vehicle smoke and all!” That remark, he had made, made me realize the amount of cigarettes I smoke.

When I said, “one of the few shops,” it was because of the reason that, if I bought all the cigarettes at one shop, the cashier will get a heart attack! and stop selling me the “Red Indian’s (Native American) Curse”; and a curse it surely is! So, I buy half of the cigs from one shop in the morning, and the other half at another shop, in the night.

Don’t be mislead to the notion that I’m a weak, and sick kid. Well, I am sick, in a way; but I’m not entirely weak. Recently, a friend came down from the UAE, and stayed a night at my place. He was all high and mighty about how many cigs I was smoking. I didn’t say anything then. That evening (it was a sunday) we went out to the beach. Not many buses on the road, no surprise there. So, we decided to walk to our destination. Not many kilo meters later he starts to sweat and pant! and he’s like, “machan, slow down will ya?!” so, I slowed down (I am 6″ 2′, so you can imagine how long my strides can be). He isn’t that short, just 2-3 inches shorter. Anyways, we walk, at a slower pace, and I said, “So, how come you are panting like this, and I, a smoker, am not??”

Benson & Hedges

p.s. I couldn’t resist putting up a picture of MY favorite brand of cigarettes! Marlboro can go suck on it!

“Don’t blame me for smoking, blame cancer for tasting SO GOOD!” – unknown

Waiting for the End….

Hello everyone,

It’s nearly a year since I started this blog. This will be my 31st post; not much to go till Phase II is complete. I’d like to take the time to thank everyone who viewed this blog, and those who shared their opinions. Thank You!

So many things have taken place in the past year; sad and happy alike. Strangely, things have come back to the way they were a year ago…. The brief ray of light is gone for good now; only darkness remains, as usual. I was wrong to ‘hope’ for a break from all my ghosts. ‘Twas a fools ‘hope’ to have thought I deserved whatever light I got. However, the fleeting time I spent in the sun taught me many valuable lessons:

1) I am who I am, and what can be; and have learned to accept it. Stop being in denial. If you want to change, look where you are wrong to begin with, and go from there.

2) Many core systems needed evaluation and to be updated or formatted and re-written. It’s an ongoing process. It’s hard to remove the filters placed on you since childhood, but they are being removed.

3) Friends, lovers, and family come and go. We are born alone, We die Alone. No one is gonna get into the grave with us when we pass on.

4) Being naive never helped further anything. Intellectual honesty is the best way forward. Reason and logic will open your eyes; see things as they are. Life, Love, Friendship, Family ties, Education, Work, Responsibilities, and Material wealth are all till we die. What lies beyond needs calm contemplation to be fathomed.

5) You are Unique, although individual variations of a basic model. Your character is unmatched. Don’t jump at the first opportunity to copy others. Don’t rush to be carbon copies off a production line. If a celebrity has an opinion, listen, evaluate for sensibility. Even though they are usually senseless, they too are unique in their own way, and may have useful insight to provide, though very rarely.

6) Don’t plan big or small; make it up as you go. Learn to be flexible, Bend it to your will, or bend against it; and duck. A proud oak will not stand tall after a tornado, while the flexible grass remains. This means, have basic/core principles, but don’t exaggerate them or be arrogant about them. The grass also stand, even though they are small.

7) Bad things taste good, good things taste bad. Lies are sweet, yet poisonous; the Truth is bitter, yet healthy.

8 ) Humility serves you best. Being able to say no to pleasure and comfort progresses the soul/spirit. Materialism is fleeting; knowledge and wisdom benefit you. You may be well-off today, and on the street the next. Don’t cripple yourself by spoiling yourself with riches, security, and vanity. They won’t be worth a cent when you are all alone, penniless.

9) No pain, No gain.

10) The only certainty in life is Death. Learn to be able to let go, and move on. Be realistic about what is, so that you can better prepare for what will be.

11) If you are terminally ill, don’t be in refutation. Be glad you won’t be around when the shit hits the fan. As I said earlier, all the things you were taught that are supposed to be important, don’t matter. Instead, cultivate your understanding of the inner working of things/the universe around. Being able to die with knowledge and understanding will leave no regrets at the end. Materialism, will only leave you craving for more, to the bitter end. Learn to think deep, and within. You’ll be surprised at you will find. Contrary to popular belief (thanks to mainstream media), intellectuality is within your grasp if you only understood.

Well, that’s all I have understood so far. Please ‘understand’ that there is a big difference in knowing something and understanding it; and acting on that understanding is a totally different ball game. However, as I’ve mentioned above, my understanding so far is in constant self-scrutiny (evaluating > updating and formatting > re-writing); it’s an ongoing process. Yet, I’ll be who I am, and will be, regardless of it. Till the End….

Contemplating on “Woods”

I’m torn between wanting to rest and keeping my promises. As Robert Lee Frost puts:

“The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.”

In my case, it isn’t long till I can fulfill all the promises, and go to Sleep. I’m actually running on a tight schedule. Yet, “the woods are lovely, dark, and deep!” Do I let go now and submerge myself in these deep woods; or do I go on just for a little longer, after which I can totally go into it?

“Oh, those woods, how they call me.
Enticing, enchanting, ensnaring.
How do I say no to them?
When I know, I will finally be happy to join them?

How do I say no to them?
Enchanting, enticing, and ensnaring.
Let go, they say. Oh, how they call me.
Palliative. How do I say no to that?”

So, it seems I’m at the edge of the forest. Even a feather landing on me, will send me in. If only I can hold on for a little longer till I can finish all the preparations I started a while back. hmm… “What say you, AP? What shall I do?” The bloody goof isn’t there when I actually need him! Wonder where he went off to?

Regardless, things have been set in motion, and there’s no turning back now. “AP, If you can hear me, wherever you are, please come back soon.”

Tolerance

My tolerance has gone up, again! !#!*(#(!&$@^#^@&!*#(!$(!

I’ve been having these earth shattering migraines the past 7-8 months. In the past few months it shot up to 2-3 a day, and long lasting ones mind you. As with all other shit in my life, now, even the tolerance level for the migraines have gone up! Each time it goes up, I feel numb; that’s how I know that it’s there but can’t feel the full force; as if some anesthetic has been injected into my meninges. Whenever this numbing feeling occurs I end up trying to break the bubble; the bubble of numbing gas.

Same thing happens with other painful stuff as well. I had this shooting pain in the morning (while playing ‘extreme’ Frisbee). Yet, I still played; running in a limp around the pitch. Cycling back to the house was the most excruciating ordeal in a long time. Fortunately, the shooting pain went away in like an hour two, without getting any rest; just a kind of numb feeling. However, I do have difficulty in climbing stairs, resting that particular leg on the other. That’s how I know that the pain is still there. I haven’t rested all day. Went to work straight away, walked up and down the road, moving around in office, and traveling back to the house. I can’t feel the severity of it, but I find it difficult to walk without limping a little.

Sometimes, I find it amazing that I can develop a quick tolerance to pain and shit; but in some cases, it’s just plain pissing off, you know? You’re just numb as a vegetable, when you are hurting and want to feel the pain! The first time I was admitted in the hospital was, back in ’06, then ’08; and that was the last. Shit has hit the fan these days, yet I haven’t had the need to be admitted. *phew* How I hate those fucking places! To think, had I continued what I was doing, I’d be working in one in a few years time! *chills down the spine*

I don’t know if anyone has come up with this before, but I’ll say it anyway:

“No use rubbing salt on a wound, which is already numb”